Coping with Pet Loss

 

 

 

     Our pets are best friends, trusted companions, and family members. For some people who don’t have children (like us), our pets have become an extension if not the completion of our family.  

   When dealing with the loss of a pet, NEVER let anyone tell you that your grieving is overly sentimental or silly. Many people can be rude and self-absorbed and your pain means absolutely nothing to them. I remember when my cat Uncle Jerry died 10 years ago, that a lady at the company I worked in came up to me and asked me why I was so quiet. I explained to her that two days before I had to put my cat to sleep and it was really hard on me. Her response shocked me, “You need to get over it-  it’s just a CAT!” I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the face so badly in all my life. I was so taken aback that I just turned and walked away, only saying to her, “No…he was more than that. He was my best friend.” She’s lucky I didn’t bring out a can of whoop-ass on her.

 

    Some people may not understand the depth of your pain, but don’t let them dictate your feelings. Your feelings are valid and may be extremely painful. You may be surprised to find that you grieve longer and harder than you do for a human family member. Don’t feel guilty about that- it’s understandable. Our pets are EVERYTHING to us. And always remember that you are not alone. Other people feel exactly the same way you do.

 

    There are basic levels of grief that can be expected when we are in a state of bereavement. Everyone experiences grief in different ways, but the following emotions are common when dealing with loss:

 

Guilt – self burdening oneself especially if you feel “responsible” for your pet’s death either by euthanasia or “if only I would have been more careful,” or “if only I would have paid more attention to what was happening I could’ve saved him/her.” You may also do what is called “bargaining” such as yelling to the heavens that you would change places or it “should have been me.”

 

Denial – making it difficult to accept your pet is really gone. When they don’t greet you or run in front of the door when you open it, or the empty bowl at the evening meal, it’s very hard to accept the realization that your fur-baby is no longer present.   

 

Anger – could be directed at your pet’s illness, the driver of the car, the Vet or even yourself.  Anger is an important emotion to experience during this time and at times may be justified, but it’s not healthy to let it blind you from resolving your grief.

 

Depression – this is a natural consequence of grief but can leave us feeling alone and powerless. Extreme depression can rob you of your motivation or energy and cause you to dwell upon your sorrow.  But if the dishes pile up for a few days or you have to hibernate in your home for awhile, that’s completely normal if not expected.  

 

    Locking away your grief does not make it go away. You need to express your sadness or anger. Pound the floor. Scream. Cry. Talk it out. Attend grief counseling. Volunteer at a shelter. Make a donation to needy animals. Volunteer at a senior center or a Hospice. Do whatever helps you the most. Only by coming to terms with your feelings can you begin to work through them. This can be a very sad and confusing time, especially for those of us who keep their emotions well hidden and are used to being stoic or feel like others would think our pain is unfounded and tell you to “get over it.”  

 

You have a right to feel your pain and grief!

 

Memorial Options

 

 When your pet dies, you will have to make a decision on how to handle its remains. Here are some options:

 

1. Cremation – the simplest and most economical to bring your fur-baby back home. In this state, you can bury the ashes, scatter them, place them in a columbarium, or keep them in a decorative urn or coffin. 
2. Home Burial (not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently. Also, check your city regulations as some cities prohibit this).
3. Pet Cemetary –  There is a state by state listing here: http://nepanetwork.com/keepsakes/petcem1.htm

  

Surviving Pets

 

If you have other pets, don’t be surprised if they grieve as well. Also, the way they grieve may surprise you.

 

We have two other cats. We just assumed that Shiva, Crosby’s sister, would be the one to grieve the most following Crosby’s passing, and prepared ourselves for what we thought her mourning would be. To our amazement, she didn’t react at all the way we thought she would. In fact, the night we came home from the vet without her sister, she sniffed the empty cat carrier and blanket, and then went over to the toy box to play. Now she was a little clingier the next week, and followed Todd around quite a bit; however, this was not entirely unusual for her since she’s a “Daddy’s Girl” anyway. Still, she did not exhibit any of the signs of grieving that we had expected.

 

Little adopted brother Ozzie didn’t fare so well. He ran upstairs and moped for 3 days, only coming downstairs for their 5:00 pm feeding of wet food. Then back upstairs he went, sleeping on top of the bed or under it; basically ignoring everyone and closing up into a tight little armadillo ball for hours. Again, we were surprised. He and Crosby tolerated each other, but did not appear to be close. In fact, when she was around he made sure to give her a wide berth- if he didn’t keep his distance, she would unceremoniously give him a hard “whack!” on the top of his bony little head (something she relished doing, I might add).

 

Dogs and cats (as well as other animals) DO grieve. It’s best to keep the same routines to help them through this difficult time. Don’t move furniture around immediately, or remove every single blanket or toy in the house that the deceased pet used or played with. Give the other pets in the household time to acclimate to the loss first, and then start changing things around.

 

Your babies will let you know when it’s time.

 

Healing & Funeral Music

 

There are many different ways we heal, but one of the ways I have found most helpful is to do something creative and meaningful. When we put our energies toward a ritual, doing a service, making a donation in their name, or creating something to remember our blessed fur-babies, those energies help become part of our healing process.

 

For Crosby, we attended an online candle-lighting ceremony at Pet Loss Support a week after she left us. This online service is free. At this same website, you can make an online memorial for your pet for a very low fee. They also have a chat room. We then created a mosaic stepping stone in her honor for our backyard, and because I handle my grief delving into  projects of creativity, I created a memorial movie on Windows Movie Maker for Todd and I to watch whenever we wanted to remember her.

 

I created music for our online candle-lighting ceremony and put it on a CD for both of us. I will admit that finding special memorial music is actually quite a heart-wrenching process. Every sad song you listen to will remind you of your loved one. I'm not ashamed to say that I spent the whole half of the day listening to different songs and basically crying my eyes out.

 

Here is a list of songs I compiled that are “purr-ffect” for a pet’s memorial (and a human’s too).

 

They are available for download at Amazon and/or iTunes:  

 

Moon Cradle – Loreena McKennitt

Angel – Sarah Mclachlan

Our House (for a cat) – Crosby, Stills N’ Nash

Bright Eyes – Art Garfunkel (If this song doesn’t make you cry something is wrong with you).

Circle of Life – Elton John

Make you Feel My Love – Adele

Time to Say Goodbye (solo version) – Sarah Brightman

Goodbye My Friend – Linda Ronstadt

Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel) – Billy Joel

Kondakion – Divna and Melodi Choir (extremely beautiful & moving Russian Chant)

Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

Somewhere Out There – Linda Ronstadt

Carrickfergus – Celtic Woman

You’ll be in my Heart – Phil Collins (Tarzan soundtrack)

Morning has Broken – Cat Stevens

Fields of Gold – Sting or Eva Cassidy (both very nice)

One Moment More – Mindy Smith (This is one of my favorites)

 

There are funeral CD’s at Amazon that you may also like to check out. Many of them are soft piano music, which I found to be very peaceful and comforting in a time of bereavement.

 

When you talk to them, they listen.

 

 

When you get angry for them at leaving you, they understand.

 

And, if you have the need to find someone else to love, it’s okay.

Your fur-baby is happy for you.

This page is dedicated to Crosby

 

03/13/1998 – 7/19/2010

Sweet dreams, little treat-treat girl.

Pet Bereavement Sites:

 

 

 

Pet Loss Support.org

Pet Loss Support. com

Rainbow Bridge.com

PetLoss.com

Pet-Loss.net

We support the following organizations:

Animal Miracle Network
ASPCA 
The Caboodle Ranch
Oregon Humane Society
Feral Cat Coalition
Alley Cat Allies
The Shambala Preserve (The ROAR Foundation)
Pet Finder.com
 Dignified Pet Services (Tualatin, OR)
Meow Cat Rescue (Kirkland, WA)
Mutt Catts (Lists shelters, has pet memorials).
 
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